** Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

** Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

** Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

** Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

** Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

** You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

** Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

** One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

** My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

** Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

** God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

** It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

** If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

** Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." ** Caution - leave air holes.

** I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

** There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

** The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

** Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

** The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

** Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

** The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

** The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

** Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

** Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

** Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

** Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

** If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

** You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

** I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

** Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

** It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

** Age is important only if you're a cheese.

** The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

** Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

** Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

** Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??

** Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

=========================================== People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it`s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don`t.

Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the opposite!

Today is the last day of your life . . . so far!

In a press release from Microsoft today . . . . . Because of some minor Y2K issues, the Windows 2000 release has been delayed until 1901.