Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's. Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge. Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church. Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas. Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day. Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions. 2Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair. Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around. Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys. Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals. Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that. Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house. Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine. Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders. Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission. Real teachers can teach anatomy to high school students and not hear the giggles. Real teachers know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster. Real teachers know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office. Real teachers can "sense" gum. Real teachers know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day. Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred. Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot. Real teachers have never heard an original excuse. Real teachers know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation. Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school. Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them. Real teachers give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands. Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not "homework aperavores." Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons. Real teachers do not take "no" for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence. Real teachers know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks. AND FINALLY....... Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.