** Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. ** Insanity is my only means of relaxation. ** Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. ** Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. ** Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. ** You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. ** Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. ** One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. ** My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. ** Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away. ** God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. ** It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. ** If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. ** Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." ** Caution - leave air holes. ** I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. ** There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. ** The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ** Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. ** The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. ** Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. ** The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. ** The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ** Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. ** Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. ** Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ** Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. ** If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. ** You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. ** I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. ** Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. ** It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. ** Age is important only if you're a cheese. ** The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. ** Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. ** Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. ** Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?? ** Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. =========================================== People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it`s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don`t. Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the opposite! Today is the last day of your life . . . so far! In a press release from Microsoft today . . . . . Because of some minor Y2K issues, the Windows 2000 release has been delayed until 1901.