Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars. Acura NSX - I am impotent. Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires. Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states. Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman. Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp. Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people. Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis. Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. Datsun 280ZI - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel-well. Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate. Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones. Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them. Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit. Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle. Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen wheeler. MGB - I am dating a mechanic. Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either. Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts. Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock. Porsche 911 Turbo - I wear a hairpiece. Porsche 944 - I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal. Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu. Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet. Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns. Volkswagen Cabriolet - I am out of the closet. Volkswagen Golf (Tan) - I am a loser with a piss ass job, a raging lunatic and smelly breathed geeky wimp. Volkswagen GTI - I am very intelligent, good looking, great disposition, down to earth, and hung like a yak. Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping. Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.