* You were shooting pool when any of your children were born. * You've ever yelled: "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!" * Your mother has ever stormed into the house and proclaimed "The feud's back on!" * Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of the Bingo hall for using foul language. * Your mother has ever told a state trooper to kiss her ass without removing the Marlboro from her lips. * You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. * You've ever stolen firewood. * There are more than five McDonald's bags on the floor of your car. * Your car windows are made of plastic wrap * You think "Old Yeller" is the story about your cousin's teeth. * The dog catcher radios for back-up during a call to your house. * Your pen knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A." * Your dentist hides when you show up for an appointment. * Anyone woman in your family has ever been in a fistfight at a tractor pull. * You've ever been too drunk to fish. * You've ever worn cutoffs or tube top to a funeral. * You've ever called your mother to make a group of bikers back down. * Your kids have three-day-old Kool-aid mustaches * There are more than 10 lawsuits currently pending against your dog. * Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit. * You ever filled out your deer tag on a golf course. * You bum a "chaw" from your wife. * Any of your children were conceived in a car wash. * Your "show biz cousins" are a rodeo clown and a nude dancer. * You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address. * Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. * You've ever been in a custody fight over a hunting dog. * Your idea of a good deed is to let your brother "hide out" for a few days. * You've ever hit a deer with your car -- deliberately. * You've ever misspelled a word in Christmas lights. * Your family reunion has ever been broken up by gunshots. * You've ever written in Richard Petty's name on the presidential ballot. * You've given away more puppies than an animal shelter. * You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures. * Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires a pair of shoes and a flashlight. * You refer to fifth grade as "my senior year." * The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. * You come back from the dump with more than you took. * You've ever "hit on" the widow during her husband's funeral. * Your car breaks down on the highway and you just leave it there. * Your husband's job does not require him to wear a shirt. * Your new sofa was on the curb in another part of town yesterday. * Eradicating illiteracy means wiping out all your relatives. * You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower. * You can name every episode of the Dukes of Hazzard but not your Congressman. * Your parrot can say "Open up! It's the police!" * You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. * You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. * Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. * You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. * Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed. * You go to your family reunion looking for a date. * Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. * You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. * Your huntin dawg had a litter of pups in the living room and nobody noticed. * You can get dog hair from your belly button. * The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. * You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. * You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. * You have a rag for a gas cap. * The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. * You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. * A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a si-xpack. * One of your kids was born on a pool table. * You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. * You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. * You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. * You own a homemade fur coat. * Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. * On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. * Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos". * You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. * Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. * You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house. * You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. * The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. * The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. * You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. * You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. * The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. * You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.