Have you ever noticed....Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? --George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. --Ellen DeGeneris I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. --Ed Bluestone The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" --Jay Leno The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. --Billiam Coronel Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. --Dave Barry Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. --MarkTwain Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. --Jim Carrey My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be true. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. --Lily Tomlin Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? --Rita Rudner Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. --Jerry Seinfeld Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? --Marilyn Pittman Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? --Lily Tomlin Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. --Jerry Seinfeld I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' --Richard Jeni