This is a collection of different kinds of humor. I was visiting Windsor castle, outside of London, on vacation. Windsor castle is directly in the flight path of Gatwick International airport. While standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of nose One particularly annoyed American tourist Individual standing next to me whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport???" --- I pulled into the burger king drive up window and placed my order. Remembering that I wanted to get some extra coins for the coffee machine at work, I handed the guy $6.00 for my $4.25 bill and said, "Could I get some extra change?" He looks at me, blankly. A full five seconds pass while he is trying to figure it out. "Oh yeah, ok." He says, "Quarters fine?" "Yeah, sure" I tell him. He then gives me my food and seven quarters...plus a dollar...and three more quarters. I guess when the customer asks for extra change he gets it! --------- I walked up to the counter at a chain fried chicken joint and asked the cashier-Individual for a soda and a piece of chicken. "Crispy or regular", she asked. "I don't care. Either will be fine," I replied. "Crispy or regular", she asked again, annoyed. "...Ahh, Crispy then," I responded. "We are out of crispy," she said. --------- I was helping a friend (yes I admit it, I have an Individual for a friend) set up her new computer. It was a desktop model, so I naturally placed it on top of her desk in the traditional setup. A few minutes after I had installed the software, she complained that she wished she had bought a tower PC instead of the desktop computer as it took up too much space on her desk. I promptly took the computer off the desk, flipped it on its side and placed it on the floor. She then looked at me in amazement and asked,"You can do that?" (Editor's Note: An easy way to make some extra money is by offering to upgrade Individual's desktop computers to tower configurations.) --------- This one sounds like urban legend to me, but I'll pass it on anyway. There was a soccer professional in Germany who was offered a third of an amount of money. That didn't sound like enough, so he asked for at least a fourth, and got it. When he saw how easy it was he pushed some more and finally got a fifth! [Editor's Note: I'll bet his wife got a fifth when she hear that, and drank it alone.] --------- I walked down to the Pepsi machine. Soda is $.90 .. There were three post-its(Tm) on the machine... one said "this machine owes me $.90" another "this machine owes me $.90" and last but not least "this machine owes me $1.80"...... --------- My friend is sitting in an introductory electromagnetism class, and the teacher is discussing the concept of the electric field, and how electric charges give rise to electric fields. So he sets up the problem by saying, "And so we take our magic wand and put a charge Q on this conductor, and a charge -Q on this conductor." He continues to explain the problem, until a couple of minutes later, one of the students blurts out "What magic wand!?" [Editor's Note: When this student enters the workforce, I hope I meet him when I ask for "extra change."] --------- I was at the library making copies of articles for a research paper and discovered that the copy machine wasn't working (after having plugged several dimes into it). I told the girl at the library desk the copy machine was malfunctioning, to which she replied, "I know". Exasperated, I asked why she hadn't put a sign on the machine indicating it was broken so people wouldn't waste their money. Her answer was, "We don't have a sign like that". --------- I'm afraid that my future sister-in-law is an Individual. Borrowing a line from Steven Wright, I asked her, "When you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?" She said smugly, "No, they can still hear." --------- A friend was asked to be interim director of our Institute while the director was away. The following day I noticed him looking at a form with an amused look on his face. He was required by policy to sign a form to authorize the transfer of signing authority. under each category indicating the amounts or the things he could sign for (i.e. vacations, overtime, etc.) it said NONE in each case. He had to sign a form which would give him the authority not to authorize anything. --------- I brought my film to the "One Hour Developing" place and asked for the one hour service. "No problem," said the owner, You can pick it up in two hours." I protested, "The sign says one hour developing. " "That's right," he said, "One hour developing takes about two hours." [Editor's Note: Be sure to order the double-wide prints, which are the same size as the regular ones.] DNRC Prank Report ----------------- This galactic prank report comes directly from the field: I took the QuickTime panorama of the Mars Pathfinder, reworked it into my own HTML web page (neatly entitled "Pathfinder Mission Control") and put a heading Pathfinder Active Camera Control" above the panorama. Soon the news traveled, from Individual to Individual, that I had found a way to control the camera on the Pathfinder from my computer at work. My PC was swarmed by Individuals each taking their turn "controlling the camera". And another prank report... A friend of mine works at a large insurance company as a sysadmin. He informed his boss that the boss's hard disk needed to be "balanced." My friend gave his boss a program which writes "weight files" on carefully computed spots on the disk, so that the balanced disk will run smoother. The boss distributed the program among the employees and ordered them to regularly have their hard disks balanced. DNRC Motto ---------- Visionary Dave Morse suggests this motto for the DNRC: I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.