Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with somegood ideas. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later I might think I'm having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer antlers. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"