Antidepressant: whatever is causing the unwarranted optimism about your dead end job. Macho: someone who jogs home from a vasectomy. Better: what we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own. Abash: a great office party. Dysentary: what you get when dissent merges with commentary. Anythingarian: a person who changes religions religiously. Liberal: a church with four commandments and six suggestions. Resume: the closest any of us will ever come to perfection. Date: an organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you. Stupidity: letting the child with stomach flu sleep on the top bunk. Dilemma: trying to believe someone you normally trust when you know you would lie if you were in their place. Diet: a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds Side saddle: how men, rather than women, would ride in a logical world. Job: a place where you work just hard enought to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting. Sabbatical: a Latin word meaning "I quit but you won't know it for sure for a year". Irony: buying a suit with two pair of pants and then burning a hole in the coat. Insanity: driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes. Progress: what you get when each mistake is a new one. Shopping: retail therapy. Kids: people to be nice to since they are the ones who will choose our nursing homes. Marriage: the process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.