People with small minds talk about other people. People with ordinary minds talk about events. People with great minds talk about ideas. People with warped minds talk about bridge hands. -------------------------------- Do you know what the difference is between a mad psycho serial-killer and a bridge partner? You can reason with the serial killer. -------------------------------- Learning she was going to have twins, the bridge playing wife said, "That's just like my husband doubling me when I'm vulnerable. --------------------------------- We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing. --------------------------------- You know you're in trouble when the first thing the opponents decide to do is draw trumps, and you're the declarer. --------------------------------- They were at a concert. Said she, a bridge addict, "What's that book the conductor keeps looking at? "That's the score," answered her escort. "Oh. Who's vulnerable?? --------------------------------- Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster. -------------------------------- A contestant in a tournament suddenly slumped down in his chair, victim of what seemed like a seizure or fit of some kind. A doctor was hastily summoned. He took the stricken man's pulse and noted that it was steady and firm. Obviously it was no heart attack. From the victim's white face and clammy hands the doctor surmised that this was a case of shock. A bridge player himself, he picked up the victim's cards and studied them. He then turned to the others at the table. "Now let me have a review of the bidding," he requested. ----------------------------------- There once was a player from Beirut Who thought he would try to be cute. He overcalled a spade And died as he played. The post-mortem: a four-card suit. ----------------------------------- Overheard at the bridge club: We had a 75-percent game last night! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots. ----------------------------------- There are three kinds of bridge players: 1. Those who can count, and 2. Those who can't. ----------------------------------- Want to be an expert? Rule #1: Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play! Did you ever notice that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and novices use Blackwood with a void? ------------------------------------ Joe knows nothing about the game. His wife plays twice as well. ------------------------------------ A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play. ------------------------------------ Speaking of morons: Did you hear about the guy who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He bought 35 copies of "Five Weeks To Winning Bridge." --------------------------------- Did you know? 43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail. 62.7 percent of all bridge players are women. 97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up. --------------------------------- Sorry, partner. I woulda led my singleton... but I couldn't find it -- it was so small. --------------------------------- Too bad, pard. That was an unlucky grand slam. The ace of trumps was off side.