* If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Horn broken, watch for finger. * My kid had sex with your honor student. * If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. * Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * I'm just driving this way to piss you off. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Keep honking, I'm reloading. * Hang up and drive. * Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. * Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. * Friends don't let friends drive naked. * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. * Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie!". . . till you can find a rock. * Sex on television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.