I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on - Roseanne I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly Ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross Between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. - Carol Leifer I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky I think--therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corell "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor