(Do you ever feel like this?) I'm giving up bridge - tonight's my last night, It's Amen to Stayman, I give up the fight. The Transfers and No-trumps keep giving me troubles, I can't sleep at night for thinking of Doubles. If it weren't for the coffee and really good food, I'd have left long ago when opponents were rude. The gloaters and whiners will make you plain crazy, And you often wonder if the slow ones are dazey. My cards and my partner's seem to be rotten, Playing a hand is what I've sadly forgotten. Who has played what and what are the trumps, Revokes and misbids make all of us grumps. So for now its all over - I'm off to the backwoods, I'm waving good-bye to Gerber and Blackwoods. I can't stand the hassle, I can't stand the pain, I'm making those bad plays again and again. I'm giving up bridge - tonight's a bad night, Defense is horrid and nothing's gone right. Who can keep track of Ace from Ace-Kings, Odd-Even discards and MUD of all things. Then my partner is slow and a real bidding dope, His weak two's are trouble and I'm losing all hope. My points are not high, and I'm wondering why, He keeps on bidding right up to the sky. We're in 3-No again and all my hope fades, When surprise, surprise, his high bidding pays. We were winning all tricks and defenders felt sick, I have to admit my partner's sometimes a "b"rick. But I'm giving up bridge - tonight's my last night. Farewell to conventions - I give up the fight! Stuff those Splinters and Cuebids right into the trash, Along with Bergen and DONT, Michaels and CRASH. So I leave with few words but some that are true, Bridge may be a game not for me but for you. You be kind to your partners and don't mind their cheek, For it's only a game - oh! and see you next week