Warning - may be offensive to some sensitive people, including but not limited to: OJ Simpson, Mike Tyson, Ike Turner, Dan Quayle, Martians, the IRS, Ohio doctors, auto makers and Royalty. Bob Dole has reportedly whittled his list of potential running mates to three names and will announce his decision tonight. The way his campaign is going, the names had better be the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Of coarse, if he picked Dan Quayle, they could run as Dole and Duller. The Republicans can't seem to agree on anything - when they heard that NASA may have found evidence of primitive life on Mars, they broke off into two groups: pro-life on Mars and pro-choice on Mars. Good Housekeeping magazine asked Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Dole for their cookie recipes. They didn't ask Ross Perot's wife - she has no cookie recipe, but she does have a fruitcake that's all yours until this November. Gold Medal winners are now raking in the green - Kerri Strug has been signed on as the official spokesperson for the US Helium Producers Association. OJ Simpson's former girlfriend Paula Barbieri is reportedly now dating Mike Tyson. Apparently Ike Turner wasn't available. Consumer groups fear that auto makers want to undermine tough state lemon laws with a weaker federal one. I wonder if they've ever considered the concept of just making good cars to begin with. Tom Cruise is suing a German magazine for $60 million over an article that questions his virility. His lawyer responded to the claims: "Just check out Tom's credits: Top Gun, Days of Thunder, The Firm. Case dismissed." Last week I reported that the IRS will be downsizing by 5,00 employees. Since then, 500,000 taxpayers have volunteered to deliver the pink slips personally. Case Western Reserve University in Ohio rejected a woman's application to medical school because she is blind. Come on, let her be a doctor if she wants. What's she going to do, amputate the wrong foot or something? Queen Elizabeth the whatever turned 96 Sunday. In her time, she's seen war, depression, unemployment and bitter division. Family gatherings are such a bitch. And finally, archeologists in Spain have uncovered the skeleton of a bird believed to have lived 115 million years ago. The bones were discovered in the bottom of an earthen bucket with the letters KFC scratched on the side.