11- With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more than just web sites. 10- Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey. 09- Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry behind. 08- Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites. 07- New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor. 06- Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer. 05- Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying "I can't do that, Dave." 04- Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless." 03- First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers! 02- Free technical support until 1901! and the Number 1 New Feature in Windows 2000... 01- Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!