News flash! U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND The White House - President Clinton announced today an all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its break-away province of Northern Ireland. "Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement. A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas: Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quibicois Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands Week eight -- Bombing of New Delhi to free the Tamil peoples of Sri Lanka Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the Confederate of Southern States, held captive for 139 years "This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State. She did not respond when asked when the bombing of Beijing in order to free Tibet would begin.