For those of you following the stock market: - Helium was up, feathers were down. - Paper was stationary. - Knives were up sharply. - Cows steered into a bull market. - Pencils lost a few points. - Hiking equipment was trailing. - Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. - Weights were up in heavy trading. - Mining equipment hit rock bottom. - Diapers remain unchanged. - Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. - Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. - Light switches were off. - The market for raisins dried up. - Coca Cola fizzled. - Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. - Sun peaked at midday. - Balloon prices were inflated. - Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. - And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.