You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! * Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. * Jay Leno My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. * Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms," * Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? * Jay Leno The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. * Conan O'Brien Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. * Tim Allen Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. * Billy Crystal Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. * Rita Rudner I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. * Zsa Zsa Gabor Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. * Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. * Jeff Foxworthy Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet * Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. * Roseanne