I ONCE HAD A ROSE NAMED AFTER ME AND I WAS VERY FLATTERED. BUT I WAS NOT PLEASED TO READ THE DESCRIPTION IN THE CATALOGUE: "NO GOOD IN A BED, BUT FINE UP AGAINST A WALL". ~ELEANOR ROOSEVELT LAST WEEK I STATED THIS WOMAN WAS THE UGLIEST WOMAN I HAD EVER SEEN. I HAVE SINCE BEEN VISITED BY HER SISTER ... AND NOW WISH TO WITHDRAW THAT STATEMENT. ~MARK TWAIN THE SECRET OF A GOOD SERMON IS TO HAVE A GOOD BEGINNING AND A GOOD ENDING; AND HAVE THE TWO AS CLOSE TOGETHER AS POSSIBLE. ~GEORGE BURNS SANTA CLAUS HAS THE RIGHT IDEA ... VISIT PEOPLE ONLY ONCE A YEAR. ~VICTOR BORGE BE CAREFUL ABOUT READING HEALTH BOOKS. YOU MAY DIE OF A MISPRINT. ~MARK TWAIN WHAT WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN? SCARCE, SIR ... MIGHTY SCARCE. ~MARK TWAIN MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT. EVERY TIME I ASK FOR SEX, SHE OBJECTS. ~LES DAWSON BY ALL MEANS MARRY. IF YOU GET A GOOD WIFE, YOU'LL BECOME HAPPY; IF YOU GET A BAD ONE, YOU'LL BECOME A PHILOSOPHER. ~SOCRATES I WAS MARRIED BY A JUDGE. I SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR A JURY. ~GROUCHO MARX MY WIFE HAS A SLIGHT IMPEDIMENT IN HER SPEECH. EVERY NOW AND THEN SHE STOPS TO BREATHE. ~JIMMY DURANTE THE MALE IS A DOMESTIC ANIMAL WHICH, IF TREATED WITH FIRMNESS AND KINDNESS, CAN BE TRAINED TO DO MOST THINGS. ~JILLY COOPER I NEVER HATED A MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE HIS DIAMONDS BACK. ~ZSA ZSA GABOR (Waaaaaaaaaaaaa .... you have to FIND them first! MM) ONLY IRISH COFFEE PROVIDES IN A SINGLE GLASS ALL FOUR ESSENTIAL FOOD GROUPS: ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE, SUGAR AND FAT. ~ALEX LEVINE DON'T GO AROUND SAYING THE WORLD OWES YOU A LIVING. THE WORLD OWES YOU NOTHING. IT WAS HERE FIRST. ~MARK TWAIN MY LUCK IS SO BAD THAT IF I BOUGHT A CEMETERY, PEOPLE WOULD STOP DYING. ~ED FURGOL MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS, BUT IT DOES BRING YOU A MORE PLEASANT FORM OF MISERY. ~SPIKE MILLIGAN WHAT'S THE USE OF HAPPINESS? IT CAN'T BUY YOU MONEY. ~HENNY YOUNGMAN I AM OPPOSED TO MILLIONAIRES, BUT IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS TO OFFER ME THE POSITION. ~MARK TWAIN UNTIL I WAS THIRTEEN, I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS 'SHUT UP'. ~JOE NAMATH YOUTH WOULD BE AN IDEAL STATE IF IT CAME A LITTLE LATER IN LIFE. ~HERBERT HENRY ASQUITH I DON'T FEEL OLD. I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING UNTIL NOON. THEN IT'S TIME FOR MY NAP. ~BOB HOPE A WOMAN DROVE ME TO DRINK ... AND I HADN'T EVEN THE COURTESY TO THANK HER. ~W.C. FIELDS I NEVER DRINK WATER BECAUSE OF THE DISGUSTING THINGS THAT FISH DO IN IT. ~W.C. FIELDS IT TAKES ONLY ONE DRINK TO GET ME DRUNK. THE TROUBLE IS, I CAN'T REMEMBER IF IT'S THE THIRTEENTH OR THE FOURTEENTH. ~GEORGE BURNS WE COULD CERTAINLY SLOW AGING PROCESS DOWN IF IT HAD TO WORK ITS WAY THROUGH CONGRESS. ~UNKNOWN DON'T WORRY ABOUT AVOIDING TEMPTATION... AS YOU GROW OLDER, IT WILL AVOID YOU. ~UNKNOWN MAYBE IT'S TRUE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT FIFTY. BUT ... EVERYTHING ELSE STARTS TO WEAR OUT, FALL OUT, OR SPREAD OUT. ~UNKNOWN DOCTOR TO PATIENT: I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC. ~UNKNOWN THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET: IF IT TASTES GOOD ... SPIT IT OUT. ~UNKNOWN BY THE TIME A MAN IS WISE ENOUGH TO WATCH HIS STEP, HE'S TOO OLD TO GO ANYWHERE. ~UNKNOWN IT'S HARD TO BE NOSTALGIC WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING. ~UNKNOWN